Friday, January 7, 2011

The Value of a Relationship With Addictions.

Only you can make yourself happy. However, other people can make you very unhappy. If you are causing someone else’s unhappiness in the name of love, or vice versa, and either there are external factors that are taking way from the relationship, or this is not love.

In any type of relationship, there should always be time given and excuses accepted for people who are going through rough periods. However, there should also be a time when a factual analysis of your ‘relationship’ has to be conducted. Avoid analyzing irrelevant factors such as your partner loves you, and is hurting you because they do not know how to love you, or demonstrate their love for you. These are not factors that belong in this evaluation. The underlying reasons why these factors come into play are the reasons that need to be evaluated. If your partner is not cheating on you with another person, then the odds are high that it is because your loved one is either fighting or succumbing to external addictions that your relationship has become a living nightmare. At some point you will have to admit that there is simply no rhyme or reason to live your life in this manner at all. You are in pain when with your partner, but in actuality, you are actually never with them, for they are really operating in ‘solo mode’. What good is it being on such a tumultuous roller coaster of emotions that you cannot focus on other aspects of life properly? What is the prize?

As long as a loved one tolerates the behavior of an abuser, an alcoholic, a drug addict, or any other unreasonable afflictions, then this loved one is allowing the afflicted person to continue with their behavior, and is also providing the addict with someone to take care of them, to love them, to put up with their vicious words and actions, and to be there for them and with them. There is no motivation on the part of the afflicted to change any of their behaviors. The partner is actually allowing and enabling the addict to continue succumbing to their addictions.

Many people just are unable to comprehend that their partners simply can no longer tolerate or handle their poor choices. If for instance you are an alcoholic and your boyfriend loves you enough to want to keep you from drinking alcohol, then of course there is going to be friction. You will perceive him as a warden, and he will eventually get so run down from the abuse that results from your lack of intake of alcohol, so run down from having to deal with the withdrawal spells as well as your crying spells during which you say you are sorry and beg him not to leave, that he will no longer be able to handle the situation and will leave. However, it is extremely hard to understand that he is leaving you because he loves you, but instead is leaving you because he is no longer able to physically, emotionally, and mentally handle the price to pay for loving you.

There just comes a time when you have to cut loose, and wipe the slate clean. This is the hardest thing to do, and it is an extremely painful thing to do. This is more than an emotional break-up of a relationship, as this comes with the emotions of guilt, pity, and sadness for the addict as well. It is so easy to keep making excuses for the afflicted person, and to continue saying "They really did not mean to do that. This is not the real person". Then who is it? This is the real person with one or more addictions, and they chose this way of life for themselves. This is who they have chosen to become, and they are quite content with being this person.


Finally, one day it is time. You know in that split second you have a choice. Your 'partner' is an anchor around your neck and they are pulling you down. You can either love them, hoist anchor and leave them setting sail for better horizons; or you can love them, lower the anchor, and remain in that one place stagnated and miserable for as long as they stay around. Either way you do not have them, for truly they never were yours. They belong to the alcohol and/or substance that they are abusing. When you are completely worn out, economically worsened by the relationship, tired of the heartache and pain, physically and mentally exhausted, they are going to kick you to the curb anyway. What good are you to them? Yes, they may thank you most graciously for all you have done, but the reality of the matter exists. If the addict chose to do this, and not feel motivated to try and climb out of the quicksand, then what will they do to you? It is time to most graciously tell them you are setting sail, and haul that anchor up as fast as you can. Throw words of love and wisdom over your shoulder for this will be the beginning of the immense catharsis of love that looms up ahead. You are in for many heartbreaking moments of guilt, anger, heartache, and pain, and so haul anchor even faster, for as soon as you begin this journey of recovery, then the sooner it will end positively for you.