Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Is Being A Friend the Same as Having A Friend?

All of us, as normal human beings, feel at some time or another, the need to be comforted and hugged.  We all need that support when something happens, or an emotional loss is felt, or a financial setback is experienced, and so forth.  If one has a special friend, or a partner, or significant other, then it would be safe to assume that one's comforting and supporting needs are being met. 

So what if they are not being met, but instead one feels worse after speaking with the person for not only was their need for support rejected, but in turn they got blasted out for contacting the person with their problems and their needs in the first place?  What if instead, the special friend went off on a tangent about their needs and how they felt they were driven away, because what it boils down to is the attention was switched from them for a moment? Then, know at that point, that this is not a friend, but is a leech that feels for some dysfunctional reason, that they are entitled to extract every single bit of emotion, attention, and love from you, to feed their long suffering pain caused by them knowing what they are.  It is at this point, you should walk away, and never look back, and never ever sympathize with this sociopath.  This sociopath will never sympathize with you, for they are not capable of doing so.  They have practiced the motions, and the words, but your common sense will tell you that all is not well, even as your inner being begs for your common sense to be wrong, as you are tired of searching, and you are hoping that this sweet mouthed charmer really is the one. 

Do not forget that this sweet mouthed charmer is the same one that yesterday was shouting at you because you gave him a message that someone asked you to deliver that showed him up to be a liar.  Then this sweet mouthed charmer went off on you because he was wrong, and wants to make you wrong for being a witness to his lies and manipulations.  Then this same sweet mouthed charmer will promise you he will never do that again to you.  He won't.  He will just do something else.

We all have emotional needs - some have more intense needs, but we all have those needs to be spoiled and just be listened to, and when we are down and out, our friend should step in and help us to feel better.  We will not be able to change these needs as we should not be expected to.  Most likely we are ones who have been providing care, comfort, support of all kinds, and everything else to our so called friends.  If they cannot step in and be your friend when you need them, then they are not your friend.  They could tell you they are so madly in love with you or whatever, but it means nothing without some care and concern shown.  They are in this relationship with you for some reason, and it is not to make you feel better after a rough day.  It is for a self serving reason - their self serving reason. 

A loving relationship is where two people agree to love each other and be friends as well as loving partners.  When the scales are unbalanced and one is doing all the giving and the other is doing all the taking, that is not a loving relationship.  That is a destructive relationship and the taker becomes more and more aggressive taking more and more; and the giver becomes more beaten down, and loses more and more, and loses his/her dignity, character, and pride.  He or she is a pathetic shell of the person they once were. Once they have become this shell, the taker actually despises them for being so weak, and the only reason the taker will rally around again with professions of love and happiness, is for something they want - this time it will be for material gain, as they do not feel you are worthy of giving them any emotional gain as you are now a weak shell of a person, practically an embarrassment.

We have enough problems on our hands just making it day to day.  If this other person does not like you, then you cannot make them like you. If they tell you how much they love you, but then chastize you for telling them your problems as they do not have the time and you are not taking them into consideration, then they do not love you, as a matter of fact they do not even like you. It may hurt initially to think of losing them as a friend but the reality of the situation is that they never were a friend. 

If you find yourself taking on their problems, working harder to squeeze time in to help them with something, and  spreading yourself thin to do things for them; and in your time of need they cannot find a kind word for you, then this is not your friend.  This person is a narcisstic person who has no other person's interest in heart than their own, and will drain you emotionally, physically, and in every way possible. 

A result of being drained is the feeling of an investment being made.  If I am drained emotionally, not only am I miserable, depressed, and distraught, but I now feel locked into this person some more, for now I have invested more emotions into the relationship between this person and myself, and in this person.  It is not an investment.  It is an act of charity, and this so called friend, so called self professed friend will play Dr. Jeykll and Mr. Hyde with their victim until they have extracted all they can get, whether it be emotional, physical help, financial, or just a feeding of their over inflated ego which in reality is their low self-esteem which they have clothed to resemble arrogance, but is really shame.

When one is tired, and has been embarrassed, and even looks  physically drawn, it is a sign that they are beyond reasoning logically.  That is when it is up to other people to step in and interfere and help them.  It is so unfortunate that most people find these circumstances amusing.  Usually the ones laughing are so glad it is happening to someone else, for it also happened to them too, and probably they were even worse off.  This is a cold world, where one who lives for love of friends and others is surely going to meet with heartache and misfortune.

There is a time when one finds oneself at a crossroad:  to continue along one road being the loving person and refusing to give that up will cause more grief and heartache from the so called friendships that will be formed along the way; but to continue on the other road where one becomes like the other ninety percent of the people, and becoming just as cold and manipulative as these people is losing your soul, your life, and your being.

Ignore the crossroad and turn back.  Go back from whence you came, and this time ignore every single person who betrayed you and used you.  Be kind to strangers, but befriend no one.  If you have no expectations, then you will have no disappointments.  Seek your happiness from within.  Chances are most likely that these alliances you made where these sociopaths and demons of the world stripped you of everything, also caused you to lose your touch with God.  Get closer to God.  Get back in touch with your spiritual self.  Cling tight to your loved ones, your children.  Teach your children about your experiences. Teach them to always hold God's hand, and if anyone comes into their life that causes them to lose that grasp of God's hand, then that person is not for them. 

It is so easy to say goodbye to someone you just met before they can beguile you with their charms.  Learn and teach your children how to recognize the users and abusers in this world.  There are so many of them.  Learn and teach your children the warning signs, and tell them to not to walk away from these sociopaths but to run. Most of all, learn and teach your children to have complete and profound Faith in God who will never let anyone down, and also learn and teach your children to develop and strengthen their spiritual being, and their sense of self, so that they can be happy and comfortable with them self and by their self.

These rejects of society prey on the loneliness of others. Learn and teach your children how to be alone and not lonely.  It really is easy.  If you love yourself and love God, then you will always be loved by the best there is. And if you stumble and fall for another sociopath, do not dismay.  Now you have experience to recognize them for what they are so do so, and just say goodbye to the reject, and give all of your heartache and troubles to God, and go to sleep.  God is going to be up all night anyway.