Monday, January 24, 2011

One Day ...

There should always be time given and excuses accepted for people who are going through rough times, as well as perhaps if they are not on the same wavelength as you are regarding the matters of the heart. However, there just comes a time, even if he or she loves you, and is hurting you because they do not know how to love you, or demonstrate their love for you, when you have to admit that there is simply no point. You are in pain when you are supposed to be with them, but you are actually never with them, for they are really operating solo. What good is it being on such a tumultuous roller coaster of emotions that you cannot focus on other aspects of life properly? What is the prize?

How do you deserve to be treated?

A famous, favorite, and most possible true excuse from a person for their behavior and actions that promote dislike instead of love, is that they were never loved before, thus they do not know how to display love; and they have been alone and hurt so many times that they have built these walls around their feelings to protect their feelings. This is all very possibly true. So now would an excellent time to ask yourself why you should join the relay and take the baton from this person, and experience the hurt and pain that will cause you to build your walls, be confused with the inability to comprehend and understand what is happening, and be subjected to verbal and mental abuse that will absolutely result in your feeling less of a person with diminished capabilities to handle life? We have all had our share of disappointments, rejection, broken hearts, and some of us have had heartache so badly that we did not think we could last another day. However we did continue on. We did because we were in a good frame of mind, were not being constantly abused, derided, and put down because of someone else's failures. The reality is that it is impossible to make someone love and treat you the way you want to be treated. You have to be treated and loved by a person and then decide that is the way you like being treated and deserve to be treated.

It is not anyone's fault that someone is ignorant on how to express love, and it is certainly not your fault. Truthfully, it comes naturally. Yes, some people are rougher in approach than others, but no one genuinely loves someone and yet wants to constantly put them down; and bully them into changing from the happy, confident, resourceful, and successful person they were, into a whimpering, scared, and pathetic doormat. That person does not love you. That person loves what you can do for them, and they have such low self esteem, and are so afraid of losing you, for they know they do not deserve you, that they feel compelled to bully you into staying with them.

Only you can make yourself happy.  However, other people can make you very unhappy.  If you make someone else unhappy in the name of love, or vice versa, then either there are external factors that are taking away from the relationship, or this is not love. If for instance you are an alcoholic and your boyfriend loves you enough to want to keep you from drinking alcohol, then of course there is going to be friction. You will perceive him as a warden, and he will eventually get so run down from the abuse that results from your lack of intake of alcohol, so run down from having to deal with the withdrawal spells, and your crying spells during which you say you are sorry and beg him not to leave, then he will not be able to handle the situation and will leave. However, he did not leave you because he did not love you, but instead left you because he could not physically, emotionally, and mentally handle the price to pay for loving you.

Are you an enabler?

If the external factors are anything of this nature, there is only one thing that this other person can do, for the best for you and for him, and that is to explain to you that they love you very much, but they will not enable you in carrying out your bad choices you have made, and they are leaving. Then they must walk away and resist all temptation to call or visit. For as long as a loved one tolerates the behavior of an abuser, an alcoholic, a drug addict, or any other unreasonable afflictions, then this loved one is allowing the afflicted person to continue with their behavior, and is also providing the addict with someone to take care of them, to love them, to put up with their vicious words and actions, and to be there for them and with them. There is no motivation on the part of the afflicted to change any of their behaviors. The partner is actually allowing and enabling the addict to continue succumbing to their addictions.

There just comes a time when you have to cut loose, and wipe the slate clean. This is the hardest thing to do, and it is an extremely painful thing to do. This is more than an emotional break-up of a relationship, as this comes with the emotions of guilt, pity, and sadness for the addict as well. It is so easy to keep making excuses for the afflicted person, and to continue saying "They really did not mean to do that. This is not the real person". Then who is it? This is the real person with one or more addictions, and they chose this way of life for themselves. This is who they have chosen to become, and they are quite content with being this person.

Reality requires living in the moment.

When everything paints a picture that appears as if this person is using you, then understand that this person IS using you. When he or she is capable of writing or saying words of endearment when they need or want something from you, then he or she is always capable of constantly writing words or saying words of endearment. When he or she makes promises of how happy they are going to make you, then the obvious question becomes "Why not now? Why not make me happy now?" An addict is not brain dead. He or she will manipulate you and anyone else that they can, and as long as they can keep you on the up and down cycle of a rollercoaster of emotions, then they are better positioned to exert control over you.

It is a sad state of affairs when men and women of decent background and family who were properly educated decide that instead of working hard like most people do, they are going to treat life as one big party, and have other people pay the price, both literally and figuratively. Worse, any help that is extended towards them by family and friends is taken, and then condemned. Everyone who gives to this person is regarded as a fool. These parasites take pride in telling their victims that they got over on them. Why? There is so little or no sense of accomplishment in their lives, and to attempt to belittle their victims by stating that "as bad off as I am, I was still able to fool you" gives the parasite a sense of achievement and accomplishment.

What the laughing leech does not understand is that sometimes the victim has finally caught on, and is more than willing to pay the price asked by the "con", for it is well worth the price to be rid of this leech once and for all. Granted, the victim does not immediately recover - no not at all. The dollar value of the goodbye cost to the self proclaimed con artist was of the least consequence. The leech sucked every emotion from them, and because they truly did care for this person, they still have the heartache and pain, as well as the embarrassment to deal with. However, as hard as it is to explain to the victim, the embarrassment is not theirs at all. They did and loved because that is what they believed in, and that is what came from the sincerity and goodness of their inner being. Yes, the idle bystanders will watch and laugh, for it is all entertainment to them. However, if they had a life, would they have that much time to be entertained?

The con artist will wait until the next target comes along. The difference between a con artist who is one by profession, and a con artist who is one by afflictions and just being plain lazy and worthless, is that the professional con artist has to keep finding a victim - this is their sole source of income. The alcoholic, drug addict or afflicted con artist could not care less if the bills are paid or not. Any money that he or she is able to obtain goes solely into having a good time, partying, and buying more of their addictive product. Bills, responsibilities, and their assets are of the least concern to them.

There is no feeling more devastating than when the victim finally realizes once and for all that they are unable to conjure up another ridiculous excuse. They have been used, and they have lost their confidence, self esteem, and have had their heart broken by someone who is incapable of feeling any empathy for them. The "con artist" cares about one thing and one thing only - his next high - whether it is from drugs or alcohol, power, or wealth.

It is even sadder when the victim realizes that they were set up to be taken advantage of, and yet they were trying to help this person straighten out their life. That is a normal approach a person with any kind of heart will take. What normal people cannot understand is that these grifters are not interested in straightening out their life. The only thing they want to do is party. If one wants to be admired and respected by them, one has to be only interested in partying also. Sleep all day, party and drink all night. If you want to earn more respect, you can get drunk enough to put on a show, and laugh to see how many clubs you both can get in without paying. Here is where the grifter makes his or her mistake. People are more or less locked into paying bills - they have no choice. Anyone who is going to party and sleep in the middle of the squalor, is only going to be someone on vacation who may return once a year for just that. A week of careless fun where substance and alcohol are the order of the day and night is the intent of these vacationers. As many disruptions they may make, and as many places as they get thrown out of, no one will know them. When they board that plane to return to their significant others, and their real world of professionalism, in conjunction with their charming family and social lives, no-one would even be able to recognize them, and you can be rest assured they would not give the grifter a second look much less a response.

So once again it comes down to choices. If someone wants to vacation and pay for the vacation including meals for the gigolo or escort, then that is their choice. However, for the less experienced, or recently divorced and for those who have not been out on the singles scene, they have no idea what a jungle it is. The singles scene is essentially a time for partying, befuddling of the senses, and mating. The dating scene went away with the times when life was normal.

A good indication of pending confusion, loss and heartache is a simple and many told one: "If something a sound too good to be true, then it is". Remember, these grifters know an easy mark when they see one - someone who is going through an upheaval in their life is already emotionally unstable enough to get easily misled.

When a man or a woman tells you they can and will be mean - believe them. When a man/woman looks like they are taking advantage of you with the 'I love you' lines, while they are trying to convince you that they do, and then comes the silence when they think they have you convinced, you are right the very first time the thought runs through your mind. You are being manipulated and taken advantage of.

Finally, one day it is time. You know in that split second you have a choice. Your 'partner' is an anchor pulling you down. You can either love them, hoist anchor and leave them, and set sail towards better horizons; or you can love them, lower the anchor, and remain in that one place stagnated and miserable for as long as they stay around. Either way you have lost them, for truly they never were yours. When you are completely worn out, economically worsened by the relationship, tired of the heartache and pain, physically and mentally exhausted, they are going to kick you to the curb anyway. What good are you to them? Yes, they may thank you most graciously for all you have done, but the reality of the matter exists. If the addict chose to do this, and not feel motivated to try and climb out of the quicksand, then what will they do to you?

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

It is time to most graciously tell them you are setting sail, and haul that anchor up as fast as you can. Throw words of love and wisdom over your shoulder for this will be the beginning of the immense catharsis of love that looms up ahead. You are in for many heartbreaking moments of guilt, anger, heartache, and pain, and so haul anchor even faster, for as soon as you begin this journey of recovery, then the sooner it will end positively for you.

One day you will realize that the time has come that at this age no person should be pulling you down simply because their life is a constant disaster and they are going from bad to worse. No man or woman should take another person for granted and should use them because the victim fell in love with them. No one should disrespect you publicly or privately. There is no excuse for that. Everyone can do badly by themselves. Feel sorry for your loved one, but know that if the situation were reversed, they would be gone with the wind without a second thought or a moment of sympathy.

Avoid falling for their apparently sentimental "Sweetheart, remember what we used to be like - how in love we were? How can you throw all what we have away?" Try and remember exactly how long these 'loving moments' lasted compared to the length of time you have been going through sheer misery. Look at who this person is now - that is the real person. Think about all they have done to you. Think about what they keep trying to do? Some people's losses can be quite high, both financially and emotionally. When you have lost all of your savings, your life is a chaotic confusion, you have lost your self-respect, you have lost your focus and motivation, and you have lost your mental strength, realize that only two more steps exist between you and the homeless man on the street. 

Any time other than now is too late. 

Get away and begin your healing process immediately. Admit it to yourself - you were a fool. It does not matter, for you were made into a fool deliberately by someone who is good at the game. Get out of the bed early every morning, and throw yourself into working, or changing your career. Absorb your every moment of the day with effort that requires complete focus. Force yourself to begin a plan how to regain all you have lost, and Thank God you did not suffer more. Also, Thank God for this experience so you can pass this on to your children so they will not make the same mistakes. Unfortunately, if we pay attention to the trend that more and more people are falling prey to con artists, then there is a possibility that when your children grow older, there will be even more parasites, lost souls, addicts, and losers drifting around like seaweed in a sea of people, trying to wrap themselves around someone and entangle their life with the life of a new victim. The characters of the people in this world are deteriorating, and we need to prepare our children for what they will face.

Look to that day - the anchor is hoisted - all kind words and words indicating love are written. There is an art to leaving people graciously, even the lowlifes that do not deserve it. As a matter of fact, forget the anchor - throw the chain overboard, we do not have time to waste in hauling the anchor. Turn around and wave goodbye once with a smiling face. Face the sea and the life you are returning to, and never look back. Never think back, as hard as it is, waste no more time on the paralyzing times of heartache and sorrow. When you have built back all you lost, most importantly your physical and mental health, your emotional well being, your self esteem, and your understanding that it is not your fault that the leech was a snake in the grass, then you need to be sure you are actually ready to discuss the matter before you do so.

Help others learn by your mistakes.
Tell your children first and then your friends next. There is no shame involved. How can one be ashamed for trusting someone, and trying to help them, and loving them? That is what we are taught to do as Christians. Now we just have to learn, and teach our loved ones that this world is crowded with people with absolutely no conscience, and if something seems even a tiny bit wrong, or just doesn’t ring clear, no matter how much you want to love and be loved, know that it is all wrong, and it is time to leave while the going is still good. If there is one red flag visible, then realize that there is a red flag, and this means that something is wrong.

Speak to your family and friends of the matter when you are ready to, and able to. This could literally take a couple of years. Some people have a tendency to withdraw completely from everything and everybody. That maybe appropriate for a while, but it is not a permanent solution. Plus, it is your civic duty to your friends and loved ones to make them aware of what consequences lurk behind tempting and enticing choices. Others may have been in the position to warn you and did not. That served you well, for now you know those are not your friends. Coming forward with your experiences and discussing with your children, family and loved ones, all that you went through will give them the upper hand when they meet the addicts, con artists, and grifters that are steadily increasing in number. Forewarned is forearmed.